The Archives : A Rewrite!

If you look to the comments of my last post you will see Rochelle’s comment.

She feels that I could easily take out 20 or so words without subtracting from the quality of my story and launched me a challenge to rewrite an edited version.

I like a challenge so here is the result:

The Archives

We were chilling at the Coffee Shop opposite the Library. I come here often to check out Gabriela, the dark haired Peruvian Barista with deep violet eyes, and ruby lips that curl up so suggestively.

You tap on the back of my hand.

“Just pick up the file from the Basement Archives.”

“But it’s closing in 5 minutes.”

“You’ve got time if you just get on with it”

So I cross the road, go into the library and, of course, the Archives are closed.

I rush back, but you’ve disappeared; and, so has Gabriela.

(94 words)

I would really welcome your thoughts on this interesting challenge. My thoughts are that sometimes you have a clear picture of where you would like to take the story so have a tendency to add superfluous details and back story which are perhaps unnecessary in such a short format.

I enjoyed writing both versions and am grateful to Rochelle for what I hope is a development of my amateur skills.

Just over two months on and I’m still having a ball!

11 thoughts on “The Archives : A Rewrite!

  1. Great story with a fun twist, in both forms. I love to see what people cut when editing, very interesting. I would have cut out the description of Gabriela except for the curling lip, and let have the Englishness of the guy in, because that gives him character and I liked it. But if I hadn’t read the first version earlier, I wouldn’t have missed anything.

    Liked by 1 person

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